Of life in general

My life, over the past few years can be summarised succintly in a word - monotonous. Of course, I should hasten to add that life, as meant here, refers to that 8 to 9 hours which are the prime hours of the day. Never an early riser, I always detested rising in the morning for school/college. Especially if it was raining, I would rather snuggle deeply and call it a day. However, I never wanted to miss anything in school or college, so everyday saw me trudging along to the sacred institution - be it rain or sun. Years passed in this way - yes, I was the unusual child who never cried and complained it didnt want to go to school. I never minded going on holidays, or staying after hours- it was all part of the process called student life. And I was never bored!
And then, it all burst like a bubble, and I was sucked into the monotony of a job. For a person who is fond of company and conversation, I spent much more time with electronic devices (whose conversation was hardly entertaining, though better than that of some people, I should say) and was often in the company of myself. Though I find myself amusing, I had enough of myself. I was growing more and more into an introvert, and my nerves (those solid iron rods that had always stood by me in good stead) started weakening and somewhere in the way, got replaced by sponge.
Everyday seemed the same, and the prospect of similar days for eternity made me recoil in horror.
I started hating people (wishing ill luck befell them) and was even more frustrated that I couldn't show my angst to them. Never having learnt the useful art of saying NO, I found committing things I never wanted to do. I slowly turned into the door mat that people always speak about.
I fell ill regularly, but had to go. I became the complaint box that cried it dint want to go everyday. I hated overtime and abhorred working on holidays. The girl who never wanted to miss a day was gone a long time ago.
I lost interest in most things (my deserted blog being one of them) and found refuge in food and books. A person of infinite leisure, I din't like people dictating to me how to sepnd my time, making plans for myself, or even taking my time for granted.
I fairly ran away (though it meant I had to be away from home too, something I never wanted) and became a student again- and lo! life's little pleasures found their way back. It felt good to be around so many people who are close to ones age, having any amount of leisure, dictating your own life, spending your time as if it truly is your own. Of course, exams and assignments do stray in and cause discomfort, but they dont matter - all in a days work.
Looking back, I suppose those years of monotony had made me mature, deeper and much less frivolous. Above all, it made me appreciate time!.... This is a short respite, however, it would suffice! 

First Year

we did have a peek of our seniors when we went to complete the admission formalities. the first day came and i began the day on a high note. i took the college bus where i didn't get much ragging because i was soon pronounced a "paavam". the half hour journey by bus, standing in the din interiors of the battered yet crowded ksrtc bus was a first time for me and this had gone on to become a part of my life in the coming years. the bus drove into bus bay and i felt like i had landed on moon. the only time i came to college, i came by the front gate. i hardly knew where i was and the only thing i knew about my destination was that it was at some place called room no 108. a senior(my sisters friend) took me to class and thus began the best days of my life!. the class was almost filled as i walked in. i hardly looked at anyone but noticed that there were very few girls. i procured a seat in second bench which was safe as you are neither too close to the hot area neither are you too far away. the first class was taken by navas sir. he began the class by elaborating his "different" style of teaching and went on to speak about clipping and clamping circuits when one hardly knew what a diode was. i wondered if everyone else in class knew all this and the boy who kept telling all the answers provided little comfort.the first hour was over and then they came. they asked the girls to sit near the window and made us all stand up and wish good morning. by that time the area outside our class had become a hot spot as the information about the beauty of a particular classmate spread through the various higher semesters. we were shivering like leaves by then and i wondered why i haven't feared anyone else in my life so much. then things were pure sailing as teachers took care of our protection and stood guard outside our classes. i started a friendly relation with aswathy, our class rep, and it was her companionship that enabled me to know a good portion of students of our batch in the first year. the next day onwards we went for walks around college and though we were still afraid of ragging, the intensity of fear was decreasing every day. we even had the cheek to go to the mechanical department during the initial few weeks of class in our workshop uniform. the subsequent days were all enjoyable even with the ragging. i was asked to write an assignment for a senior and i made the mistake of showing some sincerity and gave back a neat assignment in beautiful handwriting. that mistake ensured the fact that i spent a good portion of my time writing assignments. i even became the default assignment writer to some seniors in my bus.
we had covered almost the entire college during our afternoon walks and our visits to the canteen grew frequent. we had a wonderful christmas celebration (without permission), when i got to knew many more people in class. then genesis came and we were all immersed in fighting for the much coveted top spot which the mechs took away from us with a lead of one point. my participation in jam and the subsequent experiences led me to decide not to speak in college ever and it was goodbye to old speaking days too.the spot dance and group song events were superb with good crowd turnout and huge amount of noise. and then series came and went. we went for our first tour to vegaland when i grew closer to my classmates.my skills in workshop led me to spending an entire day in fitting with a file in hand and at last i threw the tool in and quit. and then it was time for university exams and the first year soon got over.

Goodbye??

Four years in College getting over...so quick and yet so rich in experiences.school was over much before i wanted it to be and even in the sorrow of having to say goodbye to school days, having to shift from Ernakulam where every single friend of mine is, i couldn't wait to enter college, that place where everyone spends the most enjoyable and memorable time of their lives. I did have my apprehensions about joining college....
1.being the last rank admitted to EC in merit i was wondering whether i would fit in with my 'buji' classmates.
2. i knew next to nothing about electronics. i surprised my physics professor in 12th by failing to identify a capacitor. the capacitor had been my foe ever since.
3. i had no friends in this new place. there were hundreds of students here and i hardly knew three people.that was okay as that meant getting to meet so many new people.(but my first day into college and i knew that my wish of getting to know every person in college would never come true.)
4. those frightening species called seniors who allegedly lurked in corners and lay in ambush waiting to pounce upon you and rag you to pieces. the many stories of ragging which i heard had me in tenterhooks.
the stories of CET i heard from my cousin who passed out before i entered had me anxiously waiting for the commencement of the course. but the government decided to mess things up and i had to spend months without a tv, a computer or even a library membership. i went back to old times when man cared only about food and sleep.
and finally the day came when i stepped into CET

Malfunction

Of late I ve noticed that electronics equipment tends to malfunction, more than it used to, around me. I had put down the fact that i never get outputs for lab exams to clumsy work on my side and a superstitious belief that i wont get output every odd semester. yet CROs had malfunctioned, power supplies had gone awry and the circuit itself had misbehaved on many occasions.
Now the issue has gone serious and it is everyday items like mobile phones and computers that put me to test. the landline phone in my house is somehow connected to the neighbouring line, which we( bujis) might call crosstalk, and every private conversation of mine is now a conference between the sender(me), receiver(whomsoever i am calling) and the third party( neighbours). and everytime someone calls their phone our phone rings for company. i had been putting up with a lot of crosstalk of late and had practically stopped using the phone.as if to remind me that this world is not entirely my own, my mobile phone has started having mysterious visitors too.
in one incident i called a friend (say D). i got someone else on the line. i could hear him speak and D could hear him speak. he could hear both of us speak. but we couldnt speak to each other. we tried to get him to act as our channel and pass on messages between us but he didnt find it an interesting pass time and didnt humour us.in another recent incident i called another friend A and instead of her "sweet" voice, got the hardy voice of a man who asked me 'which part of the temple i was standing at'. i disconnected and tried again and got my friend.
and then the computer thought of playing tricks. i asked for twitter, signed into it and what do i get...my gmail inbox .MAGIC (and black magicfor sure)
it is a jinx alright, a curse of the innumerable electronic components i have broken, burnt or mercilessly pulled off..

Series...

The past one week was total mayhem....assignments, record work, reports ....everything in a small time capsule...the project work had taken me to times in the night which never before knew to exist....after the chaos of the last week...its time to descend into some peace...but where is it? the series exams start tomorrow...assignments again, records still more and lab internals until the brim of the university exam.....the university exam itself is in a quite compressed time schedule too...WOW....god help all of us..

Boring??

Who says life is boring??....just when i was thinking so , life turned back and shouted at me.....four accidents in the course of two days and being a part of the earthquake has led me to believe that life is indeed very happening!!!

the first accident left me unhappy, the second angry, the third afraid, and the fourth...numb....fortunately nothing happened to anyone so the aftermaths were restricted to material losses alone...then the incident of a robber being spotted outside our house at the dead of the night( luckily it wasn't i who saw him...and hence i live to tell this tale) provided enough food for thought and fear for a couple of nights....
and the earth quake...well i am disappointed that i dint know it was an earthquake...i thought it was a train passing close by as the rumbling sound resembled that of a train as it passes alongside our house...and the vibrations are common enough too...it was only later that i knew things weren't so common this time around....
these action packed bursts of happenings are interspersed in life just to show that god is a sport and doesn't let anyone be bored...

Dream analysis

Call me superstitious ,but once I started having weird dreams and some of them recurring too, I got the wind up and started searching for what they really mean....and this is what I discovered.
my dreams predominantly contain water ...in some form, sometimes stagnant, mostly flowing or rushing water, and lots of rocks, forts, underwater etc.

Water :To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind.To hear running water in your dream, denotes meditation, reflection and pondering of your thoughts and emotions.To see a water carrier in your dream, signifies favorable prospects in fortune and love.:-).To see a waterfall in your dream, is symbolic of letting go. You are releasing all those pent up emotions and negative feelings.To dream that you are breathing underwater, represents a retreat back into the womb. You want to return to a state where you were dependent and free from responsibilities.

Rocks:To see rocks in your dream, signifies permanence and stability as expressed in the familiar phrase "as solid as a rock". It may also indicate that you are making a commitment to a relationship.

Fort:To dream that you are confined in a fortress, signifies that enemies will succeed in putting you in an undesirable situation.

Sea:the dream may indicate a need to reassure yourself or offer reassurance to someone.?It brings about hope, a new perspective and a positive outlook on life no matter how difficult your current problems may be. To see a sea horse in your dream, signifies the power of your unconscious. It may also indicate a new perspective or different outlook in life

Black cat: now, I was scared stiff when a black cat launched itself on me in a dream but thankfully they are harmless enough. If you see a black cat in your dream, then it indicates that you are experiencing some fear in using your psychic abilities and believing in your intuition. You may erroneously associate the black cat with evil, destruction, and bad luck.

Evolution

The past one week had seen me giving way to frustration and depression with no reserve, just like a prehistoric mammal. The past few days have been stages, infact leaps, in the process of my evolution. Talks about the tour getting stronger day by day , more number of people getting roped in for the tour on one side; a greater number's seeming uninterest in the tour and the ridiculous reasons proposed on the other side had me on tenterhooks for some days. And then ,I was rewarded. The entire mood had changed over a weekend. Friday saw the realisation of one of my greatest wishes- seeing Kalam in person and hearing his talk.It send every bit of unnecessary emotion out. He was humility personified, simplicity through and through and expressed strong thoughts through carefully chosen out , seemingly simple words.
Saturday came ,and we went on the much awaited IV to Keltron thanks to IEEE. It was more of a tour with 35 students from class turning up. Infact, it was better than a class tour because there were students right from s3 to mtech. After some hours at Keltron, where we learnt about transformers [:-o] we set out to Aruvikkara, which was incidentally quite close by. Although extreme hunger did dampen the spirits and cut short the time spent , it was thoroughly enjoyable....but the day ended on a tragic note with Tonykuttan, our class rep, losing his mobile to the currents; more tragic because two days before he took extreme pains to collect everyones phone numbers and save it. The next day, Sunday, saw us together again- this time for the purpose of attending a friend's house warming. The entire class was invited and with a few exceptions, the entire class did turn out. The house was in Nedumangadu , so a long trip though beautiful frames followed. There was non stop laughter , right from boarding the bus , till getting off the return bus; thanks to the great achievements of Aiswarya. This time, there was more scope for enjoyment for I was not the subject of embarassment (save one incident). The day was flooded with 'first-time experiences'. (1) It was for the first time that I drank the delicious concoction of 'one spoon each of pulishery,rasam, curd served on a glass'
(2).The first time we were questioned by the police as to our reasons for the visit when they saw us standing clustered at the road side.
(3)Hearing typical trivandrum slang after having been here for so many years
(4)For many students from northern Kerala, it was a first time trivandrum sadya and they were intimidated by the number of payasams.
Atlast, the class has turned better, or so it seems to me, and I find myself looking forward for the real IV!....nothing better than a juicy strike to top it up!

GREAT TIMES

Several people have asked me to put down the embarassments i have had in my life....they made the request after they themselves witnessed how often i come across embarassments...and ...one "man's folly is food for anothers mirth" -says pp, so i decided to oblige.
but to put down the multitude of situations would make it an autobiography spreading over volumes , so restricting myself to those few occasions when i turned first red, then yellow, then black and finally green....

scene 1: a fine day in 2005

the school annual day....things were going very well....we had finished a dance without any major mishaps( ignoring the fact that the cassette did not play the first time and we were welcomed by howls and hoots)......the final pose was struck and as the rule goes i waited for the curtain to fall to resume from the pose. i was way upfront, had gone farther than i have intended to .....everyone kept staring at me while i remain stuck in the pose which resembled Christ on the cross but since i cant see without my glasses, i couldnt catch their expression....after a long time of waiting some one asked me from behind "chechi, akathu varunnille".....i realized to my horror that the curtain had fallen behind me and everyone had gone offstage while i was enacting the clown......after turning multiple shades at the same time, i retreated feeling wretched and horrible.....my classmates took up the issue and for days congratulated me on my "out"standing performance as they called it....

scene 2: another fine morning in 2006

the first day in college...

we (my cousin aka unni) and me decided to go by college bus ...we went to the stop and found a guy there who looked like a CET student....unni goes over and makes his first slip of the day "chetta, chettan first year aano"...the senior just laughed and said no but he had a " wait till i get you" expression. we stood together and were chatting about something when the bus showed up.
once aboard the bus i had the privelege of being the first first year girl on bus...i was called up front and questions fired from all sides
1: who was the guy laughing with you?
although unni is my dad's cousins son , to avoid him further discomfiture, i said he's my dad's sisters son...first cousin to be precise
then they called unni ...and while i was there asked him "how are you related?"
unni, in his own way to avoid inconvenience , said " we are distant relatives"
i felt like burying myself then and we were turned out to be the fraud brother and sister......

footnote: even today people really wonder if we ARE brother and sister thanks to his over, melodramatic way of calling me "sister" before starting every sentence.

Favourites

the best songs ever , in my opinion.

oldie goldies:
1. chakravarthini
2. kasthuri manakkunnallo
3. kalpantha kalatholam

middle melodies:
1. vathil pazhuthilode
2. arikil nee undayirunnenkil
3. etho varmukilin
4. vaalkkannezhuthiya

latest loves:
1. oru naru pushpamayi
2. oru chempaneer
3. shyamavaniletho

other languages:
1.pachai nirame
2. chinna chinna asai
3. ek ladki ko

updates

since i had formed the habit of tarnishing the image of many an ECE teacher in my previous post , i think it my moral obligation to put down the SLIGHT change for the better that has materialised of recent times.
1. the subjects are now better....either because my mind has come into terms with the forced aquaintance with them or they just get better after a few initial boring hours
2. some free hours have cropped up which makes life bearable
3. fortunately or unfortunately there are only two days lab per week
4. all the fans in the class have resumed operation thanks to quick undertakings by our new rep.
5.ambily mam has found renewed confidence in herself...now the lectures are delivered unstutteringly. we have struck a chord with her... as long as we keep within the limits she doesnt require us to pay attention in class....so classes are 10 percent problem solving and 90 percent talking...a classmate recently demonstrated that she wouldnt know even if you go out through the front door.
6. sumam mam- same, unerring, ..... she brings about a sense of de ja vu with her.... everything right from s3 comes back in a blur...the same words uttered in the present context relate to something quite different from the past.
7. ebin sir- the proud ringmaster of the only good show in the circus.
8. neetha mam- same again, quiet, smiling with occasional biting comments. but the only person to whom i ask doubts with the hope that they get cleared.
9. suresh k- although his classes are still a bore and resemble a single actor art film, (with very few audience coz of the fact that he disclosed he wouldnt be taking attendance till next week which took a larger part of the populace out of the classroom walls), it feels good to be taught by someone who knows what he is saying.
10. though i dint land the electives i wanted my choice struck gold. i ve got electives that are always free.
11. friends , from their recent blog activity, have found ways of reducing anger and stress and from their irritable mood has gone to a state of frivolity. this has led to me being in splits of laughter most of the time.

so, in general, when life becomes unbearable, you blog, god reads ur blog and answers ur prayers and makes life a tinge better!

The soothing tones of Sreeragam

music has always had the quality to soothen ruffled nerves. the different ragas blend together melodiously to create an atmosphere of leisure, calm and happiness. my favourite is the sreeragam. supposed to be the raaga in which the rain falls, this ragam has a special feel associated with it... the same feel associated with falling rain. going beyond the realms of classical music, i quite recently realised that most film songs i liked were composed in this raaga.
some compositions in this raaga: 1. entharo mahanubhavulu
2. etho varmukilin
3. neelaravil innu
4.ravin nila
5. oru chempaneer
6.pooncholai kiliye
7. karuna cheyvaan

The boring Seven

atlast the seventh semester is here....time does move fast. the start gave a lot to be desired. the move from the spacious, airy s5 s6 class with two doors( placed at strategic locations) to the stuffy, dark s7 s8 class was truly disheartening. this led to a considerable decline in the time we spent inside the class. we got a taste of the placement drama when thoughtworks came to campus and left without recruiting anyone. and the subjects......better left unsaid. none of them seem to be interesting and the two electives i wanted to take were cancelled( as luck would have it) due to lack of interested takers. the teachers...well a lot to be said in this regard. we have a set of new teachers this sem and except for sumam mam we dint know how the others fared. but the bubble burst soon enough. the first class found us fairly expectant ... the teacher was ambily mam. my previous acquaintance with her wasnt very encouraging. she accompanied us to 'starwars' and left us at the railway station and went home leaving us to fend for ourselves. she seemed like a frightened rabbit in a lions cage as she came to our class and taught(theoretically) a lot of unimportant stuff. neetha mam was quiet and smiling but her opening sentence was 'those who arent interested can leave the class' which disquietened the prevalent high spirits. sumam mam was her usual smiling self with her usual entrance and exit lines delivered to perfection. she told about VLSI exactly what she told about SSD and AC. the exit line was a gratifying' u r the best s7 class ever' which was delivered a bit unconvincingly.

and then the much awaited class arrived. the one of Suresh .k. he was supposedly an intellectual being with a thourough knowledge of the subject acquired through vast reading and research. we were given to believe that his class was ' the ultimate'. and when it did happen it was 'the ultimate koora'. for one thing he looked everywhere except at the class. so while he taught the tree outside the window , the door , the ceiling and the floor, we were left to follow our own pursuit of happiness. sadly it was a double hour.the first half hour i heard every word in the hope that the class would soon 'evolve'. half an hour hence, when things did not seem to be taking a turn for the better, i gave up and lost myself. after several transmission losses and returns and what seemed like an eternity of teaching i looked at the watch to find that only five minutes were past. then we engaged in the game of looking at each others faces and laughing at our own predicament. sir was droning on about probability. if david sir had killed probability for us , this man took it out of its grave and stabbed it multiple times. i watched sadly as yet another subject went down the drain in two hours time. but he left quite an impression on us. we all liked the person, approved of his wide knowledge but believed teaching wasnt quite his profession.the ritual of forming a project team followed and after multiple takes, one got fixed. then came the hunt for a seminar topic and a project guide. classes were boring and happened regularly while the applied batch NEVER had any class. my friends were getting irritable, twitchy and nervy of recent times .the same feelings would have come over me but i found refuge in food and sleep. while things arent going very well on the college side, everything was getting better in the family side and after many years , i like sitting at home better than going to college .

Top Ten

The ten best books i have read so far. care has been taken to select books from all genres.
the numbering depicts just the order of remembrance and not priority.

1) Pride and Prejudice by jane austen-a good love story
2) The house of the seven gables by nathaniel hawthorne- a captivating story said in strong words
3) The Alchemist by paulo coelho- inspirational
4) To kill a mocking bird by harper lee- light hearted
5)Wuthering heights by emily bronte( or charlotte ..dont remember which)- strong characters set in a slightly bitter atmosphere
6)The da vinci code by dan brown- fact Vs fiction
7)The murder on the orient express by agatha christie- good mystery where the end is beyond guess
8) The scarlet Pimpernal by baroness orczy- a love story set in aristocratic circles with a touch of dare in it
9) The taming of the shrew by william shakespeare(only the non detailed)- comedy
10) Harry potter and the order of the phoenix- no description needed

today

today was a very fine day
when everything went my way!!

One

In all the hurry i forgot, my baby blog turned one this june 9th!!

non sense

Staring at the computer screen for hours can afflict intense strain on your eyes ...even the fact that there is an exam tomorrow and this drastic measure is required is not justifiable when it boils down to one's eyes. still more than five hours of staring can take its toll on one and one should diversify one's resources elsewhere.that is where the concept of having a blog seems an excellent option.

Where to next??

Stepping into the threshold of my final year in college I wonder 'where to next'.... so many words seem to appear all at once but none are clear enough......CAT? GATE? GRE? and thanks to recession the fourth possibility of a JOB has shifted out of focus.....wherever it is ...it is going to be away from home and after all these years (20 lovable years) it seems real sad to go away and be away....having always been the much pampered baby at home ,having never had to live in a hostel , it is going to be very tough......so the only hope that remains is that wherever it is it will be a very good place and i get atleast one good friend so that the grief of separation is lessened .....
having had completed my education in three to four schools i have learned to be in all sorts of groups and i have loved each institution much better that the previous one ....but i have never been grief stricken at having to leave any even though it meant not seeing one's friends for a long time.....but college ......i have got attached to it more than any other ..and trivandrum is not a bad place after all .....looking back, college was fun the first year ,hell the first half of second year when i really planned going away, boring the later half of the second year, again superb the first half of third year and inseparable the latter half of third year.......more than the people it is the atmosphere there that i love , and whatever institution receives me next should have such an atmosphere ......atleast half as nice.......now is a time when you are supposed to decide where to head to next but your head is so clogged that you put it off until there is no time left ....... a lot of tests to attend and ofcourse some to prepare for and in the midst of all this have some quality fun because this may be the last best year you ve got .......so here again is a big bag of small worries ........ and all in the midst of a university exam that hasnt hit the right chord yet!

The TRANSPORTATION Problem

A day in the life of a CETian

may 12 2009,

rise and shine ....my day begins..... the day goes wonderfully well until i plan to go to college...since it is study leave time the college buses plying my route are cancelled so i should 1.opt for public transport or 2.decide not to go to college....since i cant rest without prowling around the college today i chosse,though grudgingly , option 1. i set out with a heavy heart towards the bus stop....since i have lately turned into an optimist, i beleive that a decent kulathoor bus( decent in the sense it doesnt have limbs and heads of people sticking out of every possible opening).....

At the bus stop....
for the first half an hour i do not pay any attention to other buses as i am sure that my bus would come......15 minutes later i doubt my beleif and decide i would get into a kulathoor bus even if it is crowded....still 15 minutes later even the crowded bus seems a distant hope and leaving my optimism at my feet i decide to board the next bus....
the next bus is ,incidentally, a very crowded one but to keep my word i get on and brace myself for the ride....after a short distance but a very long ride we reach ulloor and i get down ...phase 1 of my journey successfully completed...
ulloor is a place which receives 50 percent of the suns rays on a global scale and having fortunately worn black i selfishly absorb all of it ....after another 15 minutes i am half cooked and turn golden brown ;and still no sign of the kulathoor bus i get on board an attingal bus....again the entire world seems to be headed for my destination...i wedge myself into what looks like a void....either due to my height or due to my passive wooden expression, people usually mistake me for a rod and by the time the bus reaches chavadimukku i have several women clinging on to me for dear life....i detach myself from them and squeeze out .....after safely landing on solid earth i turn back and wonder ..where was the space i came from?...the bus resumes its journey like a container containing a large compressible fluid.... phase 2 successfully completed!

now the walk begins...
since i detest carrying an umbrella the sun again bears me faithful company and after 5 minutes of walking a fully cooked me mount the college stairs and head to the class...

and then to hours of soldering a mini project that eventually did not work......skipped lunch didnt get time to have tea and then fortunately got a bus that took me home ....
good day
good day...

Being Blank

The state of blankdom is the state i occupy the most these days.... i can spent hours staring at a single object and to outsiders it may occur that i am either dreaming or thinking something serious or am desp but all i am doing is being blank......it has been good so long but now things are getting slightly out of control......exams are approaching and no sooner than i open my book blankdom settles in.....my father said that being able to be blank is a great asset...only two kinds of people could do that ....1.extremely intelligent ones....just as i was about to fly sky high he added 2. extremely stupid ones like you.....
this state has become my constant companion....it is my way of entertainment during class hours.....i ll be staring at the teachers face with periodic rhythmic motions of the head to indicate that i am grasping everything while my thoughts will be tuned to some other frequency..... it has also become my best defense option...when someone tells me something i dont want to hear i turn off, when i am angry i turn off...things got to such an extent that for a few days i was turned off completely....giving slow replies,staring at familiar faces as if i dont recognise and not acknowledging the presence of people in the same room as me....my cousins attribute it to insanity but i think i am still on the right side of sanity......